In a recent parent’s forum at school, we had a rich discussion about why teens seem to have anxiety about their grades, school, and life in general; and what we as parents and teachers can do about it. You will not be surprised to hear that technology, and phone, computer, tablet (‘device’) use emerged as a cause of concern.
It’s not hard to read doom and gloom claims about IT, and I have in the past expressed skepticism about the view that all our kids are endangered and in peril from addictive apps. There’s always a technopanic of some sort. But there is an issue here – and some kids have problems which families and schools need to help them solve. But the fact that some kids are in danger from (for example) over-eating, under-eating or just eating badly does not mean all our kids are endangered and in peril from food. Similarly for IT; and we need toapproach IT claims carefully.
We know tha anxiety and mental illness is rising; we also know that smartphone use is rising. It might well be that the latter causes the former; but it might also be precisely the reverse. In this New York Times article, Psychologist Tracy Dennis-Tiwary argues that there’s a good chance that it is anxiety that is driving teenagers (and the rest of us) to escape into screens as a way to flee fears rather than the other way around.
She argues that economic and political factors lead to uncertainty, and also that we, as parents, can contribute by being over-involved and making too many decisions for teens – stopping them developing of self-reliance and grit, without which they are at sea. If she is right, then this is not a phone crisis, but an anxiety crisis, and the that’s the root cause here. When we’re anxious, we gravitate toward experiences that dull the present anxious moment says Dennis-Tiwary. Enter mobile devices, the perfect escape into a two-dimensional half-life, one that teenagers can make sense of.
I am really not meaning to sound like I am saying there is no problem here – especially as the rest of this post is about IT use! But I think it’s important to caveat that ‘fixing’ the screen-time problem (if indeed there is such a thing) might be to address a symptom, not an underlying cause.
So from here on I am responding to the request for some thoughts on how parents should approach ‘screen time’. I tread carefully here, because each family is different, and what might be a command in one family/culture might be a negotiation in another. But I hope these ideas might at least spark a useful conversation between parents, and between parents and children.
So, whatmight be some principles around which to base a home approach to screens?
1. Be a role model. As kids pick up as much or more from what we do as what we say, and as teenagers have a particularly sharp nose for hypocrisy, these really are ideas for us all, not just our kids. We will get precisely nowhere on point 12, for example, if we adults are on our phone all the time.
2. Think carefully about where you will dictate, where you will negotiate, and where you are prepared to enforce. Knowing your own mind before you open the conversation is important. As the experts are not totally clear on what’s right, and you do not want to destroy family relationships, this can be difficult.
3. Recognise that in general, kids are not addicted to smartphones, they are addicted to social interaction. That means that creating alternatives with a social element is betterthan just saying ‘no’.
4. Don’t get on an anti-tech rant. We may not like it, but it is what it is, and working with it is probably the only pragmatic thing to do.
5. Know that not all screen-time is equal. Learning to code, making funny movies, writing fan-fiction, solving puzzles, reading online, playing collaborative family games and playing Fortnite are all very different things. Some are far more valuable than others! Sit with your kids and find out what they are doing, and consider replacement of one activity by another as a first step towards reduction.
6. Don’t use technology to calm upset kids. While iPads can be very effective in keeping kids calm and quiet, using them as emotional pacifiers may lead to unhealthy dependency. We need to teach children to identify and handle strong emotions, to find strategies to calm down and to talk about problems, not to muffle them with technology.
7. Find physically active interests you can do with your kids. There’s so much evidence about how good this is, for so many reasons. And the contrast with screen-time is clear.
8. Leave the phone behind, or put it in airplane mode if you know you will need it later. Just a few hours without the phone and the constant itch to check is a good idea.
9. Turn off all notifications. Not only does it reduce the immediate ‘noise’ – it also reduces dependency if we can choose the times that we use the phone, rather than be forced to react.
10. Agree and stick to a phone curfew with a place outside the room to recharge overnight. Allocate
a public place for adults and children. After 9 p.m., say, put all devices into a drawer and leave them there. Buy a traditional alarm clock to make this possible.
11. Agree rules around events or places, and enforce them with every family member or guest. For example, no devices…
- during meals
- during family movie nights
- during family game sessions*
- when friends are over*
*unless doing something genuinely creative and interactive like making movies together
12. Do interesting things as a family and do not take devices with you. While it does take a bit of discipline, and may not result in so many selfies, having device free-time is a different experience and likely to lead to better connections between family members.
References
- Dennis-Tiwary,T., (2018) Teens Are Stressed. But Don’t Just Blame Phones The New York Times, July 15, 2018.
1 Response
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Nick. I comment that students are not addicted to smartphones, they are addicted to social interaction is salient. Having just spent a weekend away with the Cross Country students the phone is a conduit for all kinds of socialisation… often which is occurring in parallel to the face-to-face interactions.